How To Cook Like A Real Life Adult.

How To Cook Like A Real Life Adult.

A definitive guide to being a grown adult.


1. 8:30am: wake up, eat a bowl of cereal. Not the little kid kind like Lucky Charms or Cocoa Puffs, and not the old person kind like All Bran or Raisin Bran, but the middle of the road kind like Shreddies or Honey Bunches of Oats, which are probably just as bad for you as Lucky Charms, but will make you feel like more of an adult because they aren’t rainbow coloured.

2. 9.00am: While eating your bowl of pseudo­adult breakfast cereal with your right hand, scroll through instagram with your left hand. Dream of Coconut­Curry Shrimp with Couscous, Korean Beef Chuck Roast, Pulled Pork Sandwiches, and, most of all, Jamie Oliver.

3. 9:30 am: Go to class or do whatever it is that you do to pay the bills or would like to pay the bills with if it actually paid you money.

4. 10:00­ 12:00 pm: when you are bored or feel like getting some exercise, return to kitchen for sustenance.

5. 12:30 pm: Open fridge and, despite having not lived with your parents in years, expect, by some miracle, to find various leftover dishes to nosh on. Instead, you will find bins of slimy vegetables and a package of meat that you know is not safe to eat, but you’re not ready to admit that you wasted $8.79 on it, which you justified at the time by telling yourself it would be way more expensive in a restaurant. Allow rotten meat to ferment until you work up the courage to come to terms with your regret and failure to adult.

6. 12: 35 pm: Overcome with feelings of irrational disappointment and the overall injustice of the world, lumber over to the cupboard and pull out the box of shreddies, fill another bowl (don’t use the same bowl you used this morning because it’s still sitting there with milk sweat on it), add milk and have breakfast number 2. Scroll through pictures of the Summer Glow Buddha Bowl on Oh She Glows. Resolve to make this for dinner.

7. 1:00 pm: After ‘lunch’, run errands. Consume McDonald’s ‘snacks’ at various intervals. Forget to purchase the 79 ingredients necessary to make the Summer Glow Buddha Bowl.

8. 1:10 pm: Take a nap. You deserve it!

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9. 4:00 pm: Wake up and re­energise yourself with a bowl of Shreddies. Don’t use the 2 bowls that are sitting there from your previous 2 sessions though. That’s gross.

10. 4:00pm­ 6:00 pm: Work for another 2 hours. Get lost in the vortex of the internet, until finally you are looking at pictures of your brother’s ex girlfriend’s sister’s new boyfriend and you feel confused about the meaning of life and this directionless existence.

11. 9:00 pm: GO TO THE GROCERY STORE!!! LIFE IS PASSING YOU BY!!! They will have carrots, they will have beets, and they will even have quinoa. But when you ask the 12 year old boy stocking shelves if they have: pink Himalayan sea salt, pepita seeds, and about 4 other unpronounceable ingredients, he will look at you blankly. Leave grocery store and head for Planet Expensive or Whole Food$ where it turns out they close at 8:30 pm.

12. 10:30 pm: Return home. You’re starving. You haven’t eaten anything since the 2 pies you ate from McDonald’s earlier. Well, okay, and the 6 snacks you had in between. But you’re hungry! You need a REAL meal god dammit.

13. 10:40 pm: Start prepping the Summer Glow Buddha Bowl. You are an adult. You take care of business. You are a domestic goddess. Discover that one of the ingredients is actually a whole separate recipe on a whole other page. Scream in a way that is satisfying but not loud enough that it will wake your landlord who lives downstairs and has already complained about that party you had earlier this year where someone played Mariah Carey really loudly.

14. 10:50pm: Open cupboard to get cereal bowl. Remember that you only own 3 cereal bowls because what are you like some 1950s housewife?! Don’t wash the cereal bowl, you’re too tiiiired (said in whiny 8 year old voice). Reuse one of the bowls from your previous 3 sessions. The more recently used one because that will seem more sanitary.

15. 11.10pm: Scroll through pictures of Instagram, dreaming of Coconut­Curry Shrimp with Couscous, Korean Beef Chuck Roast, Pulled Pork Sandwiches, and, most of all, Jamie Oliver.

And, repeat.

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